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Saturday, April 16, 2005

Just me updating as usual (very loooong)*

So I disappeared again. I couldn't help it. I didn't get good news at the doctor like I was hoping for. Long story short my cysts are still there and I need to wait 3-6 more months. Although it's been almost a month now so it's more like 2-5 months. I was so down and depressed after getting that news. I didn't want to hear about babies or fertility or anything. First I didn't want to talk about it or think about it. I just wanted to go on like everything was okay and like it wasn't any big deal.

I prayed more than anything though and that has helped. Do any of you listen to Christian music? There's a group that I really love called Casting Crowns. They have a song that has become my new theme. It's called "Who Am I" and the first time I heard it I just broke down. Just to clarify, I'm what some people might refer to as a "holy roller" and we worship outloud and sometimes quite loud in my church. A man in my church sang "Who Am I" on Easter, which was in the middle of my feeling very alone and broken. The first time I heard this song I just started to sob and truly let myself "break" for lack of a better term. The words are:

Who am I, that the Lord of all the earth
Would care to know my name
Would care to feel my hurt
Who am I, that the Bright and Morning Star
Would choose to light the way
For my ever wandering heart

Not because of who I am
But because of what You've done
Not because of what I've done
But because of who You are

Chorus:
I am a flower quickly fading
Here today and gone tomorrow
A wave tossed in the ocean
A vapor in the wind
Still You hear me when I'm calling
Lord, You catch me when I'm falling
And You've told me who I am
I am Yours, I am Yours

Who Am I, that the eyes that see my sin
Would look on me with love and watch me rise again
Who Am I, that the voice that calmed the sea
Would call out through the rain
And calm the storm in me

That song described how I was (and still am sometimes) feeling perfectly. I felt like a wave tossed in the ocean, like the world was beating me and I couldn't do anything to stop it. I even changed the backround on my desktop because I felt like it fit my mood. I just felt like it summed up how I was feeling.

After saying all that I have to say that I am starting to feel like me again, like I'm dealing with my pain and not ignoring it. I have a lot of faith and I believe that whatever happens the Lord will get me through this. I also know that I need people in my life like you wonderful ladies who are amazingly supportive. I'll be back on more, now that I feel like I would be a good part of things again. I can't wait to catch up with you all.

*Originally posted to "Infertility Over Age 20", an amazing group of women.

2 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Brandy:

Keep that song in your heart and mind. He will take away your pain and will never give you something you can't handle. Don't ever forget that. And don't forget another great song, "Word of God Speak".

3:28 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Brandy:

Keep that song in your heart and mind. He will take away your pain and will never give you something you can't handle. Don't ever forget that. And don't forget another great song, "Word of God Speak".
Rhonda

3:29 PM  

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