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Wednesday, November 07, 2007

Hhhmmmm. No Title Today.

So, here is the sensitive and personal post that I’ve been mulling over for over a month now – hence the quiet in blog land. I wasn’t sure I wanted to talk about this but I couldn’t really seem to get my mind wrapped around anything else when I logged into my blog. I will give a warning though, I am going to talk about pregnancy issues (and NO I am NOT pregnant!). I just don't want anyone who doesn't want to talk about that topic to know in advance and I would not be offended if you decided to stop reading today's post.

Anyway, after that suspenseful build-up (and I’m sure there will be a big let down) I will share what I have been pondering for so long. G and I are already considering jumping back on the TTC band wagon. Yes, I know Aiden is not yet 8 months old and we are already talking about wanting more. Please do not look badly on that. Given how long it took for us to get Aiden, and how very much we would love to have more, we decided we might as well start trying sooner rather than later.

Now don’t get me wrong – we’re not on the band wagon yet! We’re thinking the beginning of the year would be a good time to start again. I have been tracking my cycles (AF actually arrived on schedule this morning - oh the fun of it all!) and seeing how things are going “down there”. Other than that we’ll be taking a “wait and see” approach.

It’s a very odd thing to think about going through all of that again. I hated getting so excited at the possibility every month and every month being disappointed again. I thought I wanted to die when my first pregnancy ended in a miscarriage. And when I look into Aiden’s face and enjoy all of the amazing things he does on a daily basis I know beyond the shadow of a doubt I would love to do it all over again. I don't know about any other person that's dealt with infertility but there were times the thought did go through my head - "if only I could just have one, I think I would be happy with one". Of course I was fooling myself, I've always known I wanted more but during that struggle I think you can almost convince yourself of anything. Aiden has been such an amazing baby - yes, even after he kept me up last night with his restlessness and wanting to be awake at 3:00 a.m. - that I look at him and already picture brothers or sisters for him to play with one day.

The problem is the absolute INSANE emotions I feel about all of it. On one hand the thought of actually being pregnant again makes me want to leap for joy. I had a great pregnancy so that makes TTC a whole lot easier. On the other hand I can still remember the absolute fear I felt almost every day that something would go wrong and we wouldn't end up bringing a baby home when it was all over. I didn't talk about it on here but there were days when Aiden wouldn't move for an hour or so and I would lay down, drinking water and pressing on my stomach until I would wake him up and make him move around for me. I had horrible nightmares about a cord accident at the end, and truly with what happened during my delivery it was a very real possibility. It's hard for me to express all of these secret thoughts and emotions, to admit they are there. I guess talking about it helps me rationalize and see that I can't let the negative stop me from doing something that I want more than anything.

I guess a great example of knowing that I definitely want to get back on the roller coaster is that when AF arrived today there was a part of me that was disappointed. I know it would be hard to get pregnant again so soon but there is of course the other part that knows it could take a long time and I already dread it.

So, I also have a question for any of you that have pondered the same thing - what did you think about it? What have you decided to do? And for those of you that have kids fairly close in age (I know some of you do!!) would you do it all over again the same or would you have waited a little longer looking back? Basically I'm looking for thoughts on this subject. I'm very curious what my internet friends out there have to say on the subject.

I do ask, very respectfully, that you not bash my personal thoughts and feelings. This issue is one that G and I have talked and talked and talked and talked about. We haven't come to the decision lightly and we are definitely going in with our eyes wide open. Thank you for not commenting if you're just going to be a troll. There I said it. Thank you.

8 Comments:

Blogger Safire said...

I had the same thoughts and feelings that you are having when my daughter turned about 8 months old. I didn't get AF back until she was around 10 months, but I was ready for another. It's amazing what having a wonderful baby around will do to you! You just want another to enjoy. We went through a wait and see period for about 5 months, and then I got anxious. So off to the doc we went and back into the infertile world. That was the worst thing. And it did not get better. I was hoping that my kids would be 2 years apart, but we're coming up on Butterfly being 3. I totally relate to the terrifying pregnancy after a miscarriage...things might be a little better for you since you do have Aiden. Good luck and I hope everything works out the way you imagine them. :)

9:57 AM  
Blogger M said...

First off who in hell's name would have something negative to say? The idea makes my brain hurt.

What's wrong about wanting to try for a second child? I know many couples who start trying again the moment their first is born! (Though my midwives always advised us to wait at least 6 months after birth to allow bodies to readjust)

We tried actively for 9 months to get pregnant with Liam. And inactively for quite a while before that (a year maybe? I refused to 'count' that time but it didn't help the disappointment any.) I actually WAS done after one. I meant it when I said just give me one. :)

I cannot give you advice that it'll be easier this time around. In a lot of ways my 2nd pregnancy was much much harder (and I was a psycho obsessive freak with Liam) but you'll get through it just like you did with Aiden.

Obviously Lily was the biggest surprise to ever happen to us. I firmly believe you've given children the appropriate distance apart for you no matter when you start trying (or not trying! lol)

I'm so divided on my kids age difference. Though I always said if I DID have more than one closer was better. My sis and I are 18 months apart and it was fab. Of course I didn't count in the challenges Liam would have when we wound up pregnant.

Pregnancy with a young child (Liam was 9 months old when I became pregnant) was difficult. I suffered fatigue like no other. And he was already walking and climbing and a crazy man. It got harder as my belly got bigger and Liam got bigger (he was 30 pounds by the time I was 6 months pregnant! He was a HUGE baby!)

But really? 7 months into this 2 kids less than 18 months apart gig? I'm loving it. If Liam was NT I think I'd love it even more because their ages are so much fun. And it so isn't as hard as I expected. Granted I had a hell child first time and an angel the 2nd time so it might just be that I was expecting another hell baby so it seemed easier but you get into a flow so quickly and it's just wonderful (though OMFG getting ready to go anywhere? 100 times harder than before!!!)

I've written way too much but hey, you asked. ;) Good good good good super good luck to you! I hope it happens quickly, easily, and seamlessly! xoxoxoxo

10:55 AM  
Blogger Lisa said...

It took us 14 months to get pregnant with our first & then my Hubby deployed to Iraq when I was 7 months pregnant. When he returned a year later (our daughter was 10 months old by then) we started trying right away thinking that it may take us awhile again to conceive. To our surprise, two months later I was pregnant with number two. My daughter & son are 20 months apart. We're very happy about the spacing & it's worked out well for our family. Now that my son will be turning a year old in 4 short weeks, we've started talking about having another one. However, we've decided to wait until April to start trying again. By the time the next baby comes my son will be two & my daughter will be four. Sounds perfect to me, however, it's all in God's hands!

12:11 AM  
Blogger Katie said...

I say go for it! Sad but true - with us infertiles we never know when we will ever conceive again so if you know you want more children, sooner than later is better. Well, if you can afford another child that is. And I'm sure you have this part covered.

That is the only thing that is stopping us from trying for more at this point. I know I have two 2-yr olds that drive me nuts sometimes but I'd love to have at least another child. I've always wanted four (until IF, then I told myself I'd be happy with one). But like you said, I can't fool myself. We will be trying injectables with IUI again as soon as our financial situation becomes better. I know I'm getting older and I should not wait more than a few years.

So, good luck and may everything work out. I'm sure with family and friends to be there for you when you need it will definitely help! I can't wait to hear more about this.

5:39 PM  
Blogger DMB (andbabybmakesthree.wordpress.com) said...

This is something I've been pondering a lot myself lately, even though our baby is 9 months old. Even though I know it would be a lot of work, I would love to have my children very close in age. My sis and I were 18 months apart, and I loved it, especially as we got older.

There are two things holding us back, though. One is that I'd like to recover financially some from child #1. We're not bad off by any means--we have no debt aside from the house and one car--but I'd like to pad the savings a little since we had to dip into it to pay hospital bills. Also, I'm still BFing and pumping, and while I love that I'm still able to do that, I do long to have my body back, even if it's just for a month or two. At this point, I'm thinking maybe we'll stop avoiding when the baby is 2 years old. That'll also hopefully give my cycles a chance to regulate again. I've had just 2 AFs and they're still not even close to regular (even though I was VERY regular at 28 days before pg).

It's a very personal decision, but I think there's nothing wrong with wanting to try again as long as both you and your husband are on board...you two are the only ones whose opinions matter in this, and if you're both ready, then I say get the mood music ready! ;)

D

8:10 PM  
Blogger Rachel said...

I would like my kids to be close in age too. Although I am still expecting the first.

I think if you are ready, go for it.

12:54 PM  
Blogger formerteacher said...

I struggled with this decision myself. My husband and I did not use any birth control since the birth of our first son. We figured if it happened without any fertility treatments we'd definitely take it! My OB was not happy about that, though. Anyway, we started going back to the RE when he was 9 months old. He was almost two by the time I got pregnant again. It took even longer this time, so I am certainly glad we started earlier. My sons are 2 years 6 months apart.It was hard in the beginning having to change diapers, and basically having two needy children on my hands, but now they are so close and play together. They both don't like it when the other is away. I say go for it! You'll be glad you did!

1:21 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

It tooks us 2.5 years to conceive our son, so when he was 6 months I tried seeing an RE. I am in a new town with new insurance so I knew I would have new hoops to jump through. The RE told me... your son is too young, you don't want another one yet. Come back in 3 months. What ever!

5:54 PM  

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