Hhhmmmm. No Title Today.
So, here is the sensitive and personal post that I’ve been mulling over for over a month now – hence the quiet in blog land. I wasn’t sure I wanted to talk about this but I couldn’t really seem to get my mind wrapped around anything else when I logged into my blog. I will give a warning though, I am going to talk about pregnancy issues (and NO I am NOT pregnant!). I just don't want anyone who doesn't want to talk about that topic to know in advance and I would not be offended if you decided to stop reading today's post.
Anyway, after that suspenseful build-up (and I’m sure there will be a big let down) I will share what I have been pondering for so long. G and I are already considering jumping back on the TTC band wagon. Yes, I know Aiden is not yet 8 months old and we are already talking about wanting more. Please do not look badly on that. Given how long it took for us to get Aiden, and how very much we would love to have more, we decided we might as well start trying sooner rather than later.
Now don’t get me wrong – we’re not on the band wagon yet! We’re thinking the beginning of the year would be a good time to start again. I have been tracking my cycles (AF actually arrived on schedule this morning - oh the fun of it all!) and seeing how things are going “down there”. Other than that we’ll be taking a “wait and see” approach.
It’s a very odd thing to think about going through all of that again. I hated getting so excited at the possibility every month and every month being disappointed again. I thought I wanted to die when my first pregnancy ended in a miscarriage. And when I look into Aiden’s face and enjoy all of the amazing things he does on a daily basis I know beyond the shadow of a doubt I would love to do it all over again. I don't know about any other person that's dealt with infertility but there were times the thought did go through my head - "if only I could just have one, I think I would be happy with one". Of course I was fooling myself, I've always known I wanted more but during that struggle I think you can almost convince yourself of anything. Aiden has been such an amazing baby - yes, even after he kept me up last night with his restlessness and wanting to be awake at 3:00 a.m. - that I look at him and already picture brothers or sisters for him to play with one day.
The problem is the absolute INSANE emotions I feel about all of it. On one hand the thought of actually being pregnant again makes me want to leap for joy. I had a great pregnancy so that makes TTC a whole lot easier. On the other hand I can still remember the absolute fear I felt almost every day that something would go wrong and we wouldn't end up bringing a baby home when it was all over. I didn't talk about it on here but there were days when Aiden wouldn't move for an hour or so and I would lay down, drinking water and pressing on my stomach until I would wake him up and make him move around for me. I had horrible nightmares about a cord accident at the end, and truly with what happened during my delivery it was a very real possibility. It's hard for me to express all of these secret thoughts and emotions, to admit they are there. I guess talking about it helps me rationalize and see that I can't let the negative stop me from doing something that I want more than anything.
I guess a great example of knowing that I definitely want to get back on the roller coaster is that when AF arrived today there was a part of me that was disappointed. I know it would be hard to get pregnant again so soon but there is of course the other part that knows it could take a long time and I already dread it.
So, I also have a question for any of you that have pondered the same thing - what did you think about it? What have you decided to do? And for those of you that have kids fairly close in age (I know some of you do!!) would you do it all over again the same or would you have waited a little longer looking back? Basically I'm looking for thoughts on this subject. I'm very curious what my internet friends out there have to say on the subject.
I do ask, very respectfully, that you not bash my personal thoughts and feelings. This issue is one that G and I have talked and talked and talked and talked about. We haven't come to the decision lightly and we are definitely going in with our eyes wide open. Thank you for not commenting if you're just going to be a troll. There I said it. Thank you.