Interesting title huh? Of course I will try to explain what I mean but it was the only thing I could think to call it.
Has anyone ever used (or heard) the term “liberal guilt”? Considering it would be very hard for me to describe it in this forum I will just give you this link and let you check it out yourself. http://www.encyclopediadramatica.com/index.php/Liberal_guilt
The reason I bring up liberal guilt is that it’s the closest thing I can connect to how I feel right now. Does anyone know people that are white and have never owned slaves but still feel guilty and feel they owe reparations? Or those soccer moms who drive SUV’s and live in nice neighborhoods but feel like they need to volunteer at a shelter to make themselves feel better about their nice lives?** This is how I see myself but for a different reason.
I have Infertility Guilt. I have struggled with my fertility for almost the past 3 years. I’ve seen my friends get pregnant (multiple times) while I’ve had transvaginal ultrasounds to see how my cysts were doing. I’ve “oohed” and “aahed” over sweet babies while crying inside for want of my own. Now I’m pregnant and I can’t seem to let those things go. When I tell people I’m pregnant I have a need to temper it. It goes something like this – “yes I’m pregnant but we’ve been trying for almost 3 years. I have ovarian cysts and had a miscarriage in February.” I feel sorry for the poor people who have to listen to this diarrhea of the mouth. It’s like I can’t just tell people I’m pregnant and let them assume it was all easy and wonderful and happened the first time. And I still have this awful feeling that it’s all going to end soon so I won’t let people make a big deal about it – I just want to tell them and then have them act like nothing’s different. I know that probably makes no sense – and even in my hormone crazy head it doesn’t make that much sense.
And of course I’m sure there are women out there who can’t imagine why I’m not just happy after such a long time of trying. Please don’t misunderstand – I am happy – I just feel guilty about it.
** Now don’t get me wrong – I’m not speaking for or against this – just describing my own observations.