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Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Infertility Guilt

Interesting title huh? Of course I will try to explain what I mean but it was the only thing I could think to call it.

Has anyone ever used (or heard) the term “liberal guilt”? Considering it would be very hard for me to describe it in this forum I will just give you this link and let you check it out yourself.

The reason I bring up liberal guilt is that it’s the closest thing I can connect to how I feel right now. Does anyone know people that are white and have never owned slaves but still feel guilty and feel they owe reparations? Or those soccer moms who drive SUV’s and live in nice neighborhoods but feel like they need to volunteer at a shelter to make themselves feel better about their nice lives?** This is how I see myself but for a different reason.

I have Infertility Guilt. I have struggled with my fertility for almost the past 3 years. I’ve seen my friends get pregnant (multiple times) while I’ve had transvaginal ultrasounds to see how my cysts were doing. I’ve “oohed” and “aahed” over sweet babies while crying inside for want of my own. Now I’m pregnant and I can’t seem to let those things go. When I tell people I’m pregnant I have a need to temper it. It goes something like this – “yes I’m pregnant but we’ve been trying for almost 3 years. I have ovarian cysts and had a miscarriage in February.” I feel sorry for the poor people who have to listen to this diarrhea of the mouth. It’s like I can’t just tell people I’m pregnant and let them assume it was all easy and wonderful and happened the first time. And I still have this awful feeling that it’s all going to end soon so I won’t let people make a big deal about it – I just want to tell them and then have them act like nothing’s different. I know that probably makes no sense – and even in my hormone crazy head it doesn’t make that much sense.

And of course I’m sure there are women out there who can’t imagine why I’m not just happy after such a long time of trying. Please don’t misunderstand – I am happy – I just feel guilty about it.

** Now don’t get me wrong – I’m not speaking for or against this – just describing my own observations.


Anonymous Heather said...

I think what you are feeling is very normal. Many infertiles feel this way once they are pregnant, and I have read that many feel they are still "infertile", even though they have achieved the "goal"! When I was pregnant, I was so afraid the whole time and when I did tell someone, I would always say, "yes, I'm pregnant, but I'm just not sure if it's going to last." You can imagine the looks I got!!! Mine did not end up good, but I had problems from the get go. You do not - your numbers and u/s's are good! I'm not going to tell you not to worry, b/c I know that's impossible, but just know that you have a LOT of people pulling for you and praying for your lil baby. Don't feel bad for feeling guilty or frightened. It's natural!

12:08 PM  
Blogger Cat said...

Yes, I had a hefty dose of that right after I got pg too. It fades, but never really goes away. Keep up the empathy for our fellow IF sisters. It may come in handy!

1:57 PM  
Blogger Kristy said...

After dealing with anything as consuming and stressful as IF, anyone would have a hard time letting it go. Don't worry about what others think - they don't know what you've been through and how it has shaped your life.

10:46 PM  
Blogger bstab said...

from the standpoint of a mom who had a miscarriage and then got pregnant again rather quickly...I totally get how you can be happy but sorta anxious at the same time. I've been that way for a year now and my beautiful baby girl is here and all is well. But I still have times when I feel like people just don't get the loss of the first one or the struggle we had to get her and how it's a celebration that we were pregnant but let's wait until the birth to relax.
Just feel how you need to feel and get some rest. And congrats on your pregnancy!

11:00 PM  

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