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Friday, March 03, 2006

Come Forth As Gold

I know it’s been a while since I posted and of course I want to apologize. I don’t know that anybody still comes and reads this thing but I want to apologize to myself. I started this as a way to get a lot of my feelings out and talk about myself and just have a new outlet. When I don’t post here I get all these feelings pent up inside and I don’t know what to do with them.

That’s kind of how I feel today. When I started this I thought I would talk a lot about TTC and the things that go along with that but I really haven’t. Somehow that’s just about been the last thing I’ve talked about here. And today it’s the only thing I want to talk about. On Tuesday, February 7th I had a positive home pregnancy test. Well, to be more accurate I had 3 positive home pregnancy tests. We were so excited and scared all at the same time. I scheduled a doctor’s appointment for February 14th, which went great. We really just talked and scheduled an ultrasound for February 28th. On February 15th I started bleeding. It wasn’t a lot, just when I wiped. I called the doctor and he put me on bed rest for the next day (a Thursday). The bleeding stopped but started again Friday. I went for blood work and the doctor then told me to stay on bed rest for the entire weekend. He also started me on Progesterone suppositories. By Sunday the bleeding had stopped again. Monday I had to go in for more blood work and the doctor scheduled an ultrasound for Tuesday (the 21st).

The ultrasound couldn’t find anything. Apparently I had lost the baby in the bleeding or my body had reabsorbed it. We lost it before we even got to know it. I started bleeding and cramping the next day, which has been horrible but that’s letting up now. Now I’m just sad. I’m tired and sad and a little mad. I thought I wanted to be a mom before this happened and now I’m even surer of that.

I’ve tried to find spiritual comfort in all of this because I think it’s the only way I can get through it. In everything I have related to Job in the Old Testament. I have lost so little in comparison to him. In a matter of minutes he lost his home, his children, his livestock, everything he had. But Job 1:20, 21 says: Then Job arose, and rent his mantle, and shaved his head, and fell down upon the ground, and worshipped, And said, Naked came I out of my mother's womb, and naked shall I return thither: the LORD gave, and the LORD hath taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD.

I’ve thought about that scripture a lot and thought about what an amazing man Job must have been to go through all of that and still praise the Lord. I considered how much more I should be like that and how I wasn’t enough like that. It wasn’t until reading another scripture that I found the real reason why I should want to be more like Job. Job 23:10 says: But he knoweth the way that I take: when he hath tried me, I shall come forth as gold. Job didn’t just believe the Lord was able in all things, he knew that his faith was strong enough to take any trial that came along and that he would come forth better for it. That’s what I want to be like. I want to know that whatever this life throws at me I will be able to praise the Lord in it. I am thankful for the blessings in my life and I know that this too shall pass.

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