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Saturday, November 11, 2006

What To Say

I wasn't looking for this but when I came upon it I had to post it. I also couldn't quite decide on a title either, so that's why this one is a little cruddy. Anyway, when I went through my miscarriage earlier this year I definitely learned a lot of the things people should and shouldn't say to others who are dealing with miscarriage (or any loss I suppose). The list I found is a pretty good one and I thought I would even add my own comments (in the parentheses) about each one.

Things not to say:

  • "You can always have another." (We don't know that. This was our first pregnancy and we don't know that we can even get pregnant again.)
  • "Now you have an angel looking after you." (We didn't want an angel, we wanted our baby.)
  • "It's for the best." (For who??)
  • "At least you didn't know your baby." (I knew the baby from the minute I saw two lines on a pee stick. It was a part of me, no matter how small. I knew it.)
  • "There must have been something wrong..." (With who? With me? With the baby?)
  • "Did you do something you weren't supposed to do?" (What?? Yeah, I smoked crack. No you moron.)
  • "I understand how you feel." (No you don't. Even if you have had a miscarriage it is a different pain. Everyone's pain is different. It's just that simple.)
  • "Have you ever thought of not having children?" (Why would you ask this of someone just going through a loss??)
  • "Be grateful for the children you have..." (I don't have children so I didn't get this comment.)

Things to say:

  • "I'm sorry." (Definitely. That's really all I needed to hear.)
  • "What can I do to help?" (There's probably nothing but it's nice to be asked.)
  • "I'm here for you." (And mean it. When someone calls and needs to talk, just listen. That's all that matters.)
These certainly aren't the only things people have ever heard or said but it's something to think about. I know some people say these things because they really don't have a clue what else to say. Hopefully someone who isn't sure what to say will see this and it will help them understand a little more what people experiencing a loss need.

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